Its been nearly 2 months since I last wrote. So much has happened and so much is still the same.
So where are we at?
We took a holiday to Ibiza. It was so good to have quality uninterrupted time together. We watched sunsets, ate good food and relaxed. I honestly thought it would be a good idea, but clubbing in Pacha made me feel like shit and I had a panic attack. Its hard to feel good about things you shouldn’t be able to do. Once I was there, the only place I wanted to be was home with my babies.
That happens a lot. You feel bad for feeling good. You want to hold onto the pain and not forget them.
I’ve thrown myself into work. A lot of good things are happening there. We’ve opened a second studio in Cambridge and I get to work alongside some seriously creative people. The team won 5 awards and were finalists in a few more. I’ve been asked to speak at a Telegraph event and an idea for a mastermind I’ve had for a while has become a reality.
Most days that’s all I have the mental capacity for. Get up, walk the dog, get to work, do a good job, come home. I still cry most days. There are things that happen daily that kick you right in face. Clients I have to pre-warn about what’s happened, as last time I saw them I was 14 weeks pregnant and massive. In a client meeting a few weeks ago I was asked if I had children. It took my breath away, and I still don’t know how to answer properly.
Ironically, we have a client who is based at Addenbrooke’s, where we lost Ava. Just last week we had a pitch there. I got through it then cried in the car as usual. No-one had even remembered that it might be hard for me there. Time moves on for some.
Lee has been so busy this summer with his business. He’s been to Italy and Dubai for destination weddings, I’m so proud of him. Its been hard being alone but my parents have been up a lot.
I have still not seen my friends. I don’t know how to put myself back in that world and I don’t know if they understand that. There are two new babies on the way, due near ours. I can’t be part of those conversations and honestly, they do not want to hear about the things I need to talk about. If they text, I don’t always reply. I find it hard to ask them what they’ve been doing, I care, I love them, but I can’t hear about it.
I don’t know where this leaves us, I hope they understand.
Tamba’s bereavement service has been a life saver for me. I was matched with a befriender, an amazing woman who has been through exactly what we have. She is kind and she lets me talk and cry. I can tell her all the things we are feeling and she understands completely. I wish I could change things for her. I wish we didn’t have to help each other, but I am so glad to have her.
It’s getting close to our due date, and Christmas is looming. Last year should have been our first child’s Christmas, this year the twins first. It was always my favourite time of the year, but I can’t do it this year. No cards, no tree. We are running away and I am glad about that. Our beautiful old Lab Buster went to sleep last week after 13 years, I so wished he’d make one last holiday with us. I miss him. I’ll be working as much as I can in the run up to it, keeping busy is the only thing that seems to stop me thinking.
We have been shown such kindness throughout the last few months. My friend Lisa knitted tiny blankets for cherished gowns baby loss packs in honour of the girls, and Naomi gifted us beautiful paintings for them and our first lost baby.
I’ve started to think about what I can do to raise awareness, how I can help others like us. I hope I can, but its still too soon.