I haven’t been entirely truthful with you for a while.

We found out at around 5 weeks that I was pregnant with twins. Sky high HCG levels and an early scan showed 2 tiny little lives. It was such an incredible gift, I don’t think we could have been any happier.

I thought we’d tell you after the 12 week scan, but with all the complications we still felt nervous about saying it out loud. We decided 20 weeks would be the right time and we were so close.

Devastatingly our baby girl Lily May Allison decided to come into the world way too early on Friday 30th June, stillborn at just 16 weeks + 4 days. Clearly a headstrong girl just like her mother with the “always early” trait from her dad. She was perfect in every way right down to her tiny fingernails.

I can’t describe the pain we are feeling. The grief is completely overwhelming despite trying to stay positive for our other baby. I can’t bring myself to explain what happened that day, it’s too raw.

I was taken to a London hospital where I’ve been since the 30th. Lee has been with me the whole time. I was transferred to Addenbrookes on Friday.

Our other little one seemed to be a fighter, but she was always at huge risk. Sadly she just wasn’t strong enough. Ava Allison slipped away on Sunday evening stillborn at just 18 weeks.

The things we’ve had to do this week are utterly heartbreaking. Agreeing to postmortems, arranging cremations. All for our precious girls we’ll never get to hold. No parent should have to do this.

How do we even begin to get through this? How do I answer questions about where my bump has gone?

We don’t know what the future holds for us and this will be the last blog post for a while.

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Thank you’s
There are endless people to thank, names I’ve forgotten instantly in the panic, but faces that will stay with me forever.

Thank you to my friend Andy for staying with me, calling Lee, calling my parents, just being there.

To our parents for taking care of the dogs and dropping everything to help us. We love you.

To the St Johns Ambulance team in Hyde Park, your speed and care was incredible and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did that day.

To De De, Yemi, Lucy, Rita and the entire team on the Anna Zunz ward at Chelsea & Westminster Hospital. We’re so grateful for the care and kindness you’ve shown us. For allowing Lee to stay with me day and night, for allowing us time with Lily to say goodbye, for explaining what has and what could happen as much as possible. Thank you.

To the team at Addenbrookes, thank you. I don’t have enough words to thank you for your care, especially Janet from the bereavement team.