I’m snappy as hell today. Tiredness from the seemingly endless clinic trips is taking its toll. Sorry everyone that I’ve spoken to today.

The nightly meditation which usually helps me sleep had no effect last night. My mind decided that 1.25am was the perfect time for me to remember a rather unfortunate incident with a blocked toilet on my school german exchange, when I was 14. “Beate, hast du die Toilette im Ensuite benutzt?” is etched in my mind forever. And no, she didn’t – I did and it ended badly.

My main frustration is that I can’t control the situation. I can’t do anything to make it happen quicker or better, and I have no idea when the next step will happen or what the outcome will be. I have to keep picturing us with our baby, us with our toddler.

Tomorrow is March 14th. Our little girl might have turned one tomorrow. We might have had a party, or family day to the park or seaside.

I won’t be writing tomorrow, but I will be remembering her.