Clinic this morning, the first of 4 days of clinic visits in a row. Actually that could be 6 or 7 days but next week is still in the “who knows what the hell will happen” pile.

Each morning I have to be scanned and monitored until ovulation, then they’ll defrost the embryos and grow them on for 2 more days before transferring them back in for me to cook.

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor. She’s been a huge help over the last few months, giving me a time and place to talk, sometimes cry, but mainly just say all the things that are on my mind with no judgement or agenda.

We talked a lot about being on the sidelines, not being part of the “club”, and how that makes me feel.

There’s often an assumption that as I’m a woman of a certain age I must have children, and when the inevitable question does come, it stings a bit. I see other women bond instantly over a conversation about children, knowing I can’t join in. I have no understanding of what they talk about, no way to help them or offer advice.

Many of my own relationships have changed, I think some of them forever. I can accept now that some people can’t or don’t want to understand how we feel, and I’m comfortable enough in myself now to let those friendships just drift away.

If you’re based in Cambridge and you are struggling with your mental health, please take a look at the CPFT Psychological Wellbeing Service. They’ve been a huge help to me.